To Drain His Cauliflower Ears
No, I'm not kidding. I was going to post a picture of a cauliflower ear, but just looking at them made me want to throw up, so if you're curious, do a little Google search and have a visual feast for yourself.
I won't go into all the details or my feelings on the matter, but Bryan has the oh-so-attractive cauliflower ear because he is training for his first professional cage fight. His ears aren't horrible, but have gotten painful enough that they hurt to the touch and he is having trouble sleeping.
How do you drain a cauliflower ear, you ask? Well:
Step One: Go to the medically acclaimed site YouTube.com and watch a couple beat up, rough looking boxer guys demonstrate the "do-it-yourself" method.
Step Two: Have a mini freak-out session with your husband, make a few threats, demand he go to a doctor instead, take a few deep breaths and calm down.
Step Three: Husband tries to go to an Urgent Care, but it's 8:30 pm and everything is closed. He comes home with a bag of insulin syringes instead...
Step Four: Husband begs, you finally tell him to hand over the needles because the prospect of administering a little pain is starting to sound better and better.
Step Five: Set up video camera because your deranged husband actually wants to chronicle the experience.
Step Six: Grab a Que-tip and a little alcohol and attempt to create a sterile environment by swabbing the infected area of the ear.
Step Seven: Trying not to shake too much, take the syringe and insert needle into the ear - just like the big boys on YouTube showed you.
Step Eight: Oops. Calmly explain to your husband that nothing is coming out and you are going to have to poke again. Second try works - slowly start extracting the blood that has accumulated. Continue to drain until the blood stops flowing or syringe fills up.
Step Nine: Repeat steps four through seven as neccessary.
Step Ten: Tell your husband he owes you big time. Grab something loaded with calories (you need to replace the ones you just burned by having your adrenaline spiked since even though you may have partially enjoyed it, you aren't used to sticking people's ears with insulin needles) and go lay down.
11 comments:
ew.
what the heck....we need pics. and i hate cauliflower anyway.
No, but does a boil on my college room mate's ear count? Disgusting.
It's true, my husband has not ever asked me to do that. Thank goodness. I did look at the pics on google and they looked nasty. That sounds disgusting. I hope you are very skilled at it now so that you can do it when it happens again.
I had no idea Bryan was getting into cage fighting. Wow.
You've had an interesting month, medically speaking! You should be up for about anything now!
hahaha!! Seroiusly funny! Very cool to read he's doing the cage-fighting thing. Hope you are feeling better - it was good to see you last week!
You are a better wife than I am. I would NEVER do that.
Since when has Bryan been into cage fighting? I had no idea!
I think you win the award for wife of the year. That is beyond disgusting. I can't wait to see pictures/ video!
I won't google it, no, your writing skills gave me enough information, thank you. He DOES owe you big time, though and . . . you make me laugh... this time. Last time you made me cry. Hope you are doing OK my friend.
Ick. But next time, call me. I'm handy with a syringe and a scalpel and by this time next year, I should know how to do stitches too!
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